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Cast of Characters


The websites listed on this page may or may not work. I have not checked them for accuracy.


Welcome to the AFDB Alternate-FAQ. This Alternate FAQ answers many questions that the real FAQ doesn't answer. Mostly because it is afraid to answer. There's also the world-famous squirrel FAQ as well, which is really the alt-alt-FAQ.

Many newcomers to ALT.FAN.DAVE_BARRY are puzzled by the banter (French for 'worthless tripe') and the inside references that often take place in AFDB. So, some of us -- the regulars -- decided it might benefit people if we explained what some of these inside references mean. By benefit we mean we won't have to explain it to you anymore.

When an entry's content was not provided by the FAQ keeper of record when the entry was created, or the FAQ keeper wishes to divert blame, credit is given to the author and a hyperlink to that person's e-mail address is provided. Keep in mind, that many of these people are no longer with us so their e-mail addresses may no longer be accurate. Also, you may refer to this document as fromage mal, which is French for "We have no clue."

Please do not refer to AFDB as "the group" -- for our purposes the collective is referred to as "the froup." Any other form of address is considered highly insulting and derogatory. In AFDB explanations are frowned upon, apologies are verbotten, and being helpful is grounds for execution.

Our official motto is: AFDB: Logic Just Pisses Us Off

THEREAFTER DUMPED ON: (Jen Raffensperger) (Jen Raffensperger)

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ITEM #1 ANSWERED (Return To Index)

The CHUCKLETROUSERS post is as follows and is unedited and unchanged in any way except for the replacement of a few characters with asterisks: I have left in Mr. Barry's former e-mail address since it is no longer valid and any mail sent to it will be returned. I also have removed Pro-Entropy's phone number as Pro-Entropy is now just a fond memory. This post represented the first use of the term CHUCKLETROUSERS, and it followed on several occasions in columns after we AFDBers all fell in love with the word and various derivatives including CHUCKLEHOOTERS and whatnot. (His subsequent apology follows).

***** start DAVE'S CHUCKLETROUSERS post *****

   From: (Dave Barry) 
   Organization: Pro-Entropy +1-305-***-****  (DAR Systems Int'l -- Miami, FL)
   Date: Thu, 17 Mar 1994 23:12:07 GMT
   not like yours at ALL. Mine is JEWISH. And if that BOTHERS YOU, Mr.
   Chuckletrousers, then you will just have to accept that THIS IS THE
   I really like the Bargewater book.
   Pro-Entropy (C)1993 by DAR Systems International, All Rights Reserved
   Real Name: Dave Barry             Internet:
   Call PRO-ENTROPY for the latest chaos at 305-***-**** (14.4K Baud)

***** end post *****

***** start DAVE'S APOLOGY post *****

   From: (Dave Barry) 
   Organization: Pro-Entropy +1-305-***-****  (DAR Systems Int'l -- Miami, FL)
   Date: Thu, 17 Mar 1994 23:46:40 GMT

   This is Dave Barry, with an apology, for real. I was going through this group,
   as is my wont, and I saw a post from my friend Michael Bywater, and I wrote a
   smart-ass response aimed only at him, using Bad Words and language that could
   seem offensive if you didn't know the context. After I posted it, it struck me
   that I had posted it NOT to Michael, who may in fact never see it, but to THE
   WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD. And some of you may be offended. And if you are, I'm
   genuinely sorry. Now that I think of it, maybe I shouldn't even have said
   "smart-ass" in this particular post. So I also apologize for THAT. But not as
   hard as for the other.  OK, I am going to stop groveling now. Back to the
   booger jokes.

   Pro-Entropy (C)1993 by DAR Systems International, All Rights Reserved
   Real Name: Dave Barry             Internet:
   Call PRO-ENTROPY for the latest chaos at 305-***-**** (14.4K Baud)

***** end post *****

***** start MICHAEL'S REPLY post *****

   From: ***** (Michael Bywater)
   Organization: I know I have that information somewhere...
   Date: Mon, 21 Mar 1994 12:34:21 GMT
   In an Apology, Dave Barry wrote:
   "This is Dave Barry, with an apology, for real. I was going
   through this group, as is my wont, and I saw a post from my
   friend Michael Bywater, and I wrote a smart-ass response
   aimed only at him, using Bad Words and language that could
   seem offensive if you didn't know the context. After I
   posted it, it struck me that I had posted it NOT to Michael,
   who may in fact never see it..."
   I never saw it. All I saw was the apology. I could try and
   reverse-engineer the original post from the apology, but
   that would take time. All I know for sure is that it
   countained stuff about Mr Chuckletrousers and probably the
   etymology of the cockney rhyming slang word "berk" (Berkely
   Hunt = work it out yourselves.)
   So if anyone has my real actual PERSONAL CORRESPONDENCE
   would the please post it to me? It's safer than asking Dave
   to do it. The whole Net could grind to a halt.
   Michael Bywater <*****>

***** end post *****

ITEM #2 ANSWERED (Return To Index)

Jay James is some flame-bait troller of the net who came and attacked our beloved columnist using some bad words and false accusations. (In other words, you are innocent until proven guilty in this country but not in our newsgroup, and in absence of the murder weapon, he should shut up.) Anyway, he became so vitriolic, and came across as being so stupid and moronic that many list members began complaining to his service provider who finally booted him. He went elsewhere, grabbed a new screen name and repeated his trolling, and again the list members had him booted. Free speech to all, as long as you agree. This is AFDB -- where the rules are different.

ITEM #3 ANSWERED (Return To Index)

Asterisks are sometimes used to replace vowels in terms too foul to spell out, or inappropriate for children under 14 which is not to infer they are appropriate from children under 30 either, but we're not discussing that now. Also, it's a fun chance to play a nifty word game!

ITEM #4 ANSWERED (Return To Index)

A reference to a column. Basically these rodents seek to control the world. Contributed in part by: Alan Head. Squirrels are demon spawn. Their goal is world domination, and they're well on their way. The plot was hatched in North America by an alliance of the common Grey and Fox varieties. Their worldwide intelligence network has since been expanded to include Chipmunks, Red Squirrels, and the very dangerous Flying Squirrels -- however, Black Squirrels, a recessive variety of the Fox Squirrel, are by far the most dangerous, with their special training in sabotage (power line short-circuiting, plumbing infiltration, etc). The original quote from Dave's column involving these insidious rodents is as follows:

"An article from the Gaithersburg (Maryland) Gazette and sent in by several alert readers states: 'Nine residents - two adults and seven children - were playing near Docena Court on the morning of June 15 when they suddenly were charged by a band of about a dozen squirrels.' The article quotes one of the women - who was bitten on the foot - as saying: 'We were just playing in the yard, and suddenly, out of nowhere, about twelve squirrels started charging us, making these high-pitched, shrill noises.' On June 21, a representative of the Maryland Department of Natural Resources 'found no abnormal behavior from the squirrels.' Of course not. They may be squirrels, but they are not stupid. They're not about to go after a government official. No, they put on a cute little Walt Disney show for the Maryland Department of Natural Resources. But you may rest assured that as soon as the coast was clear, they resumed smoking tiny cigarettes and planning their next attack."

ITEM #5 ANSWERED (Return To Index)
<Not yet written: Roger's socks -- a volunteer is needed to write this>

BRIEF NOTE: It may be too disgusting to ever write this part unless Jon G. Ferret ever learns to type. Poor Roger was one of the all-time AFDB favourites we lost because of assholes (see #8).

ITEM #6 ANSWERED (Return To Index)
Special thanks to Yetto who coughed this one up for me 3-20-02.

This is another Chuckletrousers reference. Specifically Michael Bywater made a post in AFDB thanking everyone for the "2038" copies that everyone on the list forwarded him of Dave's original misdirected post. This number was subsequently used repeatedly in columns and still appears from time to time. (See number one).

***** start MICHAEL'S THANK YOU post *****

   From: Michael Bywater (*****
   Date: 1994-03-22 16:13:35 PSTThank you everyone who forwarded my PERSONAL PRIVATE   MAIL accidentally
   posted here by some person or other.
   I now have 2,038 copies of this mail and am very grateful but do not want
   any more copies. PLEASE.
   Is there an emoticon for someone who has just got 2,038 copies of the same
   piece of mail?
   Michael Bywater <*****>

 ***** end post *****

ITEM #7 ANSWERED (Return To Index)

He used to read it, and even post once in a while. This group has been mentioned in some of his columns and he's admitted in public that he reads the group. A gun was pointed to his head when he confessed, but we'll admit it as evidence nonetheless. But Dave does not read or post anymore. Dave is now gone. See the next item below for the reason why. (Well, this entry is somewhat false. Every now and then, just to piss us off, he posts something. We humour him and don't report it to his ISP.)

ITEM #8 ANSWERED (Return To Index)

Dave was a semi-regular participant in AFDB, but Dave left because of assholes. We're not making this up. Some people just thought it would be cool to discuss intimate details of Dave's life. When asked to stop, they didn't. So Dave said goodbye. Sure, you can read the same stuff in the paper. But do you think Dave wanted to come here and read it too? This is alt.FAN.dave_barry, not alt.make-dave's-life-miserable. Assholes can't take a hint and think we'd rather have them than Dave, but don't try and explain it to them because they really are fucking clueless.

ITEM #9 ANSWERED (Return To Index)

This is a list made by J.S.C. and is very funny and has lots of inside jokes. You won't get it. Really. But, here it is if you want to read it!

ITEM #10 ANSWERED (Return To Index)

Footnotes appear in the group often. We stole them from who stole them from the esteemed Mr. Terry Pratchett. They are used in the group to explain something that is relevant to the comment in question but irrelevant to the post in general[1]. Of course since all posts in AFDB are required to be irrelevant[2], this is very tricky to say the least.

[1] unless the author of said footnote feels otherwise
[2] except for Dave who may be relevant if he wants.

ITEM #11 ANSWERED (Return To Index)
Items are listed in no particular order.

  1. The official currency of AFDB is the euro. For the purposes of this group, the euro is always considered to be equal to one Canadian dollar. To denote euros use a lower case "e" before the amount such as e2038. We can't use the Euro symbol because not everyone can see them on their aniquated computers. (The Symbol font will display properly if you have a new version of the font, otherwise you get a cross or box.)
  2. The Canadian dollar is the official backup currency of AFDB. For the purposes of this group, the Canadian Dollar is always considered to be equal to 50% less than any other currency. Canadian dollars are indicated as C$2038.
  3. The official actor of AFDB is Tim Curry. Anyone who questions why hasn't shuddered in anticipation. AFDB is camp and Tim Curry is the king, er Queen, of camp.
  4. The official author of AFDB is Dave Barry. If you need to ask why, you're what we call the perfect AFDB member. Discussion of Dave Barry or his works is prohibited in AFDB because it is on topic.
  5. The official editorial assistant of AFDB is Judi Smith because we all love her. (Judi is allowed to top post. Please do not capitalize her first name as it really pisses her off.)
  6. The official state of AFDB is the State of Confusion. This is also the official mental state of AFDB.
  7. The official motor vehicle of AFDB is the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile. My newsgroup has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R. My newsgroup has a second name, it's M-A-Y-E-R..... Click here to find the Weinermobile nearest you.
  8. The official breakfast food of AFDB is Strawberry Pop-Tarts®. No substitutions permitted. Frosted or not, at your option. Frosted preferred.
  9. The official snack item of AFDB is Peeps, yellow if you please.
  10. The official entrée of AFDB is Haggis.
  11. The official soup of AFDB is "Bean Soup avec Maggots" as served by Christin Keck. Accept no substitutes.
  12. The official sport of AFDB is, of course, Calvin Ball. Rules, such as they are, are established hourly by the regulars. Calvin Ball represents the true spirit of AFDB which is: every man/woman for him/herself and take no prisoners.
  13. The official yard-art of AFDB in the sculpture category is Embedded Forks, tines up. By mutual agreement, tines down forks do not qualify.
  14. The official objet d'art in the Tacky category is, quite indisputably, the lava lamp. Please do not confuse with our resident John "lavalamps" Lavallee.
  15. The official country of AFDB is Canada. ... our home and native land ...
  16. The official jailbait of AFDB Danny Bean. Honorary title.
  17. The official paralegal of AFDB is Carolyn Jett.
  18. The official librarian of AFDB is Frank Palmer, or so he claims.
  19. The official lawyer of AFDB is TJ
  20. The official weapon of AFDB is the potato(e) gun.
  21. The official fetish object of AFDB is feathers, which leads directly to the related official pillows of AFDB which belong to Tina.
  22. The official repair tool of AFDB is duct tape.
  23. The official computing project of AFDB is Seti@Home (Feel free to join one of my teams)
  24. The official fish of AFDB is the Sarcastic Fringehead.

alphabetical by last name or nickname
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An entry in the cast of characters indicates the person is special. By "special" we mean that their picture is hanging in the Post Office and nothing more. More seriously, these are people who regularly post(ed) and/or contribute(d) in some way (good or bad) to making AFDB into what it is today. Tongue shall be firmly planted in cheek and anything written here may or may not resemble the facts.

DAVE BARRY: aka "The Dave" -- he has long ceased being relevant to this newsgroup. He's only included here for completeness' sake. Dave is not making anything up. Ever. We promise. Not even this entry.

DANNY BEAN: aka afdb jailbait, is now available on the Burger King value menu with cheese optional (but highly recommended). He also posts from time to time, with capitalization only when necessary or by accident, leading us to believe he has no pinkies. Although he's not legally jailbait anymore, he'll always be jailbait to us. Credit for entry to:AltJohnny.

JOHN I. CARNEY: John works at very small daily newspaper (circulation 2038) which cannot afford its own Dave Barry column. He often grumbles about treatment of Dave Barry column in Nashville newspaper. He also writes bad attempted humour. Keeps CMOT TMPV® informed about activities in Bell Buckle, Tennessee, home since 1995 of the annual Moon Pie Festival. He chose the name Carney just to have his entry in front of Breet's and Carrie's (which isn't such a bad idea.)

JEFFREY "STRAWBERRY-13" CARRIE: Token Canadian -- we assume that not all Canadians are token. Responsible for the 1997 season's world-famous CLIFFHANGER! Will Eric and Jeff ever be married? Is Eric really dead? Will creamy filling restore him? KEEP WATCHING THIS SPACE! Or else. (Even if we rerun infomercials all year.)

BREET DOEHR: Breet was the bestower of doubled vowels and a "key" member of Dave's trusted inner circle of Presidential campaign advisors -- The Craftsman Tool Cabinet. Or, to his friends who all said "I ate beans once and went 'breet'." Credit for entry partially to: cnjohann.

JON G. FERRET: Once was our newest ally in defence against squirrels. However his parentage was called into question and he has a not-so-minor fetish problem. Perhaps this is why he vanished from AFDB?

ROCKY FRISCO: He is not a real person and not to be confused with Rocket J. Squirrel. Mr. Frisco is the famed rodent that played Carnegie Hall. Possessor of a deadly wicked and accurate tongue. A legend in his own mind, but certainly nowhere else. The rumour that he played the ferret in the Bud commercial in the 1998 Super Bowl has not been proven either way. Yes, he's that Rocky Frisco.

ELIZABETH (GOLDBERG): The once regular, now occasionally present Guardian of All That is True and Right. She is rumoured to have a life, but it probably isn't true especially if she's still coming around AFDB.

JON GRIMES: He smells really good but there's more than that... We think.

SPIRITUAL HARDWARE: Another fun word game for you AFDBers! Sumana's full name is not in front of me, and I don't feel like massacring it, but play around with the anagram for a bit! Fun! Enlightening! Sumana was one of AFDB's youngest and loudest regular posters. These kids today.... Entry written by meercat.

DR. ROSE MARIE HOLT: Ms. Holt claims to be Dave's second biggest female radiologist fan and especially appreciates his medical-related columns. She is most famous for saying, "I like it better without Dave here anyway." She now regrets her comments and, having served her sentence wishes to return to polite society. Instead, she has chose to return to AFDB.

ROGER HUNT: Purveyor of fine socks and flaming Strawberry Pop Tart® photos. He is a real person; we just wish he wasn't. We love Roger as much as a cow loves his cud. Really. We mean that in a nice way, you know. We miss Roger and wish he'd come back.

JAY JAMES: See special entry in this FAQ.

CAROLYN JETT: She's of no relation to famous rocker Joan. AKA "Whomever's Not Here." She's tired of people parking in her space and serves as second emergency back-up bride. She's also the Official Paralegal of AFDB. Her master's thesis was Booger References in American Sign Language. Route to Kevin Bacon: Dave Barry is the reincarnation of Mozart, who was played by Tom Hulce, who was in Animal House with Kevin Bacon. And does anyone really care?

CHRISTIN KECK: Miss Keck is the whistle blower, and Person In Charge Of Tinfoil (PICOT) and Theme Song authoress; soup-maker extraordinaire (as long as she doesn't run out of beans and maggots); frequent entertainer of squirrels. Questionable poet. Keeper of the Trish flame. A she-crab indeed: don't get her mad, because she'll get you in the end.You'll need to get used to her as she's bitter and could be called Miss Snipes-A-Lot, but the rumour is she can be pleasant to the friends she has when not busy talking behind their backs.

JOHN "ALT-130" LAVALAMPS: Bus-token Canadian. Your Alt-Alternative. The first person in the Alt-FAQ to have his own name as his domain name -- followed shortly thereafter by Rocky. Web host of our comatose (and on life-support) multi-authored novel The Banner Years. This entry was his present for his 18th birthday, but he was too drunk to notice. Contributed by: Mister Streeter

LISAFER: There's a reason her name resembles the name Lucifer. An advocate of strong medications, Lisafer is our biker-wench who has all her priorities straight -- her kids play in traffic, her knives are always sharpened, and she ain't afraid a'nuttin', even though she claims to be antisocial. We think she was probably Roseanne's tutor, even though she's humbly declined admitting this. Always has an extra-large can of Whup-Ass on hand and will open it and use it with or without your invitation.

TINA: Longtime froup member. Rode to fame on the coattails of the previous Tina. We suspect she would describe herself as "an innocuous little one-line wonder," but she'd have to go look up "innocuous" first. She is also a professional Teacher's Aide. Rumour has it that most of the aid she gives goes to herself. She is in charge of all matters relating to pillows.

"MS. NOMER": This former frequent poster uses her clever pseudonym to keep our spelling and grammar in check. Well, okay, in a strict sense that's not an action performed by her pseudonym, as that's just a concept, and ... oh, to hell with it. She writes good, and she aims to live up to her name. In fact it's her only goal in life to be a living manifestation of her nickname. Ain't life grand for such a cunning linguist?

JACK PARKER: And that's the rest of the story. He's really Paul Harvey but we have to pretend we don't know or care otherwise it'll go to his head.

"SUZIE-Q": One of the less-frequent posters but who responded heartily as soon as the call for ass was heard. Also seems to be an expert on roaches of all kinds. Contributed by SheCrab of Soup.

TJ: Author of our Official Motto. Official Lawyer of AFDB. He doesn't sue us and we don't sue him. Reports on weird goings-on from the courts and other places, and reports to his probation officer. Occasionally appears in triplicate. Self-declared leader of the group's Pogo wing. Written by TJ himself.

JENNIFER SUSAN RAFFENSPERGER: AKA Meercat. Known to occasionally overindulge in Marshmallow Peeps and beg incessantly to be recognised. Her skills at maintaining a Web Page also qualified her as a temporary candidate for the job of maintaining the Alternate FAQ. The job was taken away after an ugly incident involving a warthog, a meerkat, and the movie "The Lion King." Enough said. Well maybe not. Did we tell you that if you try and pronounce her last name, it sounds like you're being violently ill and someone will give you the Heimlich manoeuvre.

ED RICE: A variant of wild rice. When grown in nutrient poor soil you get 'ed' rice. Ed doesn't wear pants because he likes to get his point across. Of course there is that ugly thing about Cheese-Puffs and his nether regions we won't mention. He's the founding member of the Robert Stevenson Fan Club. Nothing excites AFDB more than a pissing match between him and Stevenson.

ERIC SEIDEN: The resident Cut Me Own Throat Twinkie Moon-Pie Vampyre®. The now famous moniker taken from Terry Pratchett's character Cut Me Own Throat Dibbler, a salesman of ill repute who has a purported love of special snack food bordering on a fetish. Rocky Frisco gave this name to Eric. Vampyre moniker tacked on after unpleasant scene in a public newsgroup. As you can see, the name given by members of AFDB and not self inflicted unlike some other poor denizens of this newsgroup who have self-inflicted names. Also, our official hosemeister.

TRISH SIMPSON: Queen of Concatenous Crones and Bestower of Awards and Official Cat Breeder. (QoCCs&BoA&OCB.) Our friend Trish Simpson passed away 19 June 1999; Rest In Peace. We'll miss you. You are forever an honorary member of AFDB.::bowing head respectfully::

SMITH JUDI: Her name is backwards because all her posts are backwards too; one day we're going to teach her to quote properly. "Quoth the Raven: Nevermore." This doesn't mean we don't love her, but it's our solemn duty to ridicule at least one thing about every AFDB resident. Doubly so for those who top-post.

MIKE STEELE: No relation to Remington. It's too bad for him because we all like Pierce "Bond. James Bond." Brosnan better. Wait. We were discussing Mike. He is the keeper of the real FAQ because nobody else wanted it. Much like Roger's socks. He is also a recovering Post-It™ note addict.

ROBERT STEVENSON: AKA The Dentist. Supposed inventor of the Stevenson Sup(p)er Snappers® and well-respected (by whom?) Mid-Westerner. He has a very significant fetish involving the letter "S," but other than that, he's a pretty good guy. Just don't let him touch your "S" so to speak. This part contributed by: the late Trish Simpson

Stevenson was the first recipient of the Golden Colostomy Bag Award, and inducted into the AFDB Supererogation Schwarmerei Society."This award is given for going so far beyond the call of duty in one's overweening foaming, ranting, and tantrum throwing, that the call can no longer be heard. As an inveigher, your skills are unmatched. The determination you have exhibited to be more antagonistic than usual has not gone unnoticed, and therefore the decision was made to bestow the award unto you." This part contributed by Laurie White

Stevenson our local purveyor of dental wizardry would love to tell you all about his favourite team, the Buckeyes. He's in love with Ohio and he will gladly tell you how much if you but ask him. He's also busy keeping Ed Rice occupied with pithy comments. If you want to know more, just mention that the AFDB Official Epithet is "Full of Ohio" (Thanks, Tommy, it was funnier than mine!)

DAVID "AUNTIE" STREETER: He's everyone's favourite auntie. He's got a pinch on the cheek and a chocolate for everyone. But all aunties have a mean streak, and this old hag is no exception. If your grammar gets out of line, this ol' biddy will smack you down mid-stride, though he's been slipping lately. Rumours that he's into strict disciplinarian pleasures have not yet been confirmed since nobody's been willing to admit being his partner. (A show of hands, if you please!)

MIKE YETTO: This name is taken from his ancestors, the Yeti, or as more commonly known: the abominable snowman. He starred in a Bugs Bunny cartoon at one time: "I will pet him and squeeze him...." He now serves as the self-appointed Chief Inspector, Commissioner and Dictator for Life of the AFDB Topic Police.

ZEBULON: A ranting lunatic, Zebulon "AKA Dan" was raised in the gutters of a remote underwater city by a herd of llamas addicted to Frosted Flakes®. His hobbies include yelling at invisible people, staring at a blank wall for hours on end, hanging upside down while playing Scrabble, attempting to escape his straight-jacket, and cat impersonations. He types his Usenet posts by holding a pencil once belonging to Burl Ives in his teeth, and with great care and precision, pokes the nearest person until he or she agrees to type what he says. He lives nowhere near you, thank God. Written by Iron Lung.

update.gifYOU: Yes, that's right, you are missing from the alt-faq. You may e-mail me your entry and it will probably be summarily discarded as it should be. Nobody can be nominated; you, Fat Head, have to be discovered. Keys to successful submissions include witty subject headers, humorous statements about yourself, and large sums of cash payable in euros of course. The less I have to write the better. I am, after all, lazy as hell.

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This page last updated 3 May 2008 and was created 18 January 1998.